10 Really Questionable Rooms To Rent in London, Right Now
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know how much I HATED moving in London back in January. When you're not dealing with pushy, asshole estate agents, you're having to wade through a bottomless pit of plain awful (and sometimes nightmare inducing) property listings. So, I decided to scour the likes of Rightmove and SpareRoom to show you the most laughable, depressing and ridiculous listings out there, right now. Ladies and gents, this what the London property market currently has to offer.
What a time to be alive.
1. "Is Very Nice Room" - £415 pcm, Kilburn
This room is definitely not for those who enjoy their own personal space. If you decided this set up was worth the £415 pcm price tag, be prepared to move, not just into a stranger's house, but into their bedroom. But don't worry, the poster has thoughtfully described themselves as "quiet and funny", just in case you wanted to know a little bit about the stranger you'll be sleeping next to for the next six months.
2. "Excellent condition" - £690pcm, West Kensington
Apparently, this is what nearly £700 per month will get you in West Kensington. It's also described as being in "excellent condition" and a "very large double room"... I'm not sure who this landlord is trying to kid, prospective tenants or himself.
3. "Benefits from its own entrance" - £871pcm, Olympia
Ever wish you could live your life without having to get up in the mornings? This teeny tiny studio apartment in Olympia brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "breakfast in bed". But it does come with its own wine rack, because Jesus Christ, you're going to need a drink after you sign that £871 per month rental lease.
4. "Let agreed" - £446pcm, Bounds Green
If you want to live somewhere that limits movement as much as possible, induces claustrophobic panic attacks and gives you the option of eating meals either in bed or standing up, then this is the flat for you. Sadly, you've missed out on this space saver - it's already been snapped up.
5. "Open plan kitchenette with own shower" - £542pcm, Matheson Rd
If you're an avid multitasker and enjoy awkwardness, you will love this studio apartment that lets you shower whilst you cook. It also features zero counter top space and absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I don't even want to know where the toilet is located. Nope. I'm out.
6. "Light and Airy" - £780pcm, Holloway road
Possibly one of the most depressing studio apartments I have ever laid eyes on, this flat consists of a seriously grubby fridge, curtain rail covers only a grandmother could love and a bed that looks only slightly more comfortable to lie on than a pile of rubble. I can only assume the 'living space' is the small, childlike table and chairs in the middle of the room. Where do I sign?
7. "Presented in good condition" - £780, kensington
I have so many questions, I just don't know where to begin.
8. "A cosy bedsit" - £797pcm, Marylebone
Who in their right mind would fork out nearly EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS A MONTH to live here? I mean, how much do you want to say you live in Marylebone, hmm? HMM?! Tell you what, we'll let you live in Marylebone, but you can only fry or boil your meals, you must prepare food on your desk and you have to sleep in a bed only fit for a hobbit. I HOPE IT'S WORTH IT.
9. "Spacious double room" - £802pcm, Kensington
First of all, I will contest anyone who says this is a flat and not a bloody HALLWAY. Ten points if you've already spotted the shower (back right) and the fold out bed masquerading as a sofa... I see you. At least you can enjoy some synthetic starlight whilst you lie wide awake at 3am, seriously questioning your existence and life choices.
10. "Perfect for friends" - £325pcm, Stratford
Do you hate your friends? Do you want to stay as close to them as humanly possible and give them absolutely no personal space? Do you want to start resenting each other for all your weird and annoying habits? Do you want to end up murdering your friend when they bring home a drunken hook-up, JUST to get back at you for doing this to them? Do you want to go to prison for murdering your friend? Do you want your other friend to not visit you in prison, because you're a dick? Do you want to have no friends and grow old in prison?
If yes, rent this room.