88 Thoughts I have on the tube most days

  1. I am 62% sure my Oyster card has enough credit to get me to work
  2. I’m going to risk it anyway
  3. God, people are queuing for the barriers already?
  4. I bet they’re all from the bus that just pulled up
  5. Bus wankers
  6. Okay, here goes…
  8. Why does it have to be beep so loudly at me?
  9. Oh God, everyone behind me is sighing exasperatedly
  10. If I try to look really confused, maybe they’ll think there’s a problem with the barriers and then won’t be so disappointed in me?
  11. Why does everyone need to top up their Oyster card NOW?
  12. It’s a THURSDAY. Who needs to top up on a Thursday??
  13. People really need to be more organised
  14. Erm, is this guy trying to push in?
  15. Someone needs to tell this man that we do not tolerate queue jumping
  16. Maybe if I stare at him really angrily, he’ll get the message
  17. He literally doesn’t care
  18. Time for some classic British passive aggressive behaviour; I’ll just shuffle in front of him
  19. Huzzah! It worked
  20. As if there’s only one top up machine that takes card
  21. -50p? HOW?? When did I go to Zone 3?
  22. Okay, back in the game
  23. Look at me now, swooping through the barriers like a pro
  24. I’m not even scared of them anymore
  25. Although I am still traumatised from the time they slammed shut on my boob
  26. That hurt
  27. Heheh, I’m such a seasoned Londoner now I know exactly where on the platform the tube doors will open
  28. That lady over there has got it all wrong
  29. She’s going to have to walk at least an extra 3ft
  30. But I can just stroll right on
  31. Ta la la!
  32. Oh FUCK. This train is absolutely packed
  33. How am I meant to board this??
  34. I’m going to have to stand in someone’s armpit, I just know it
  35. I’ll just squeeze on
  36. A SEAT!
  38. Oooo, discarded Metro
  39. I wander if the guy in the flat cap from Baker Street has put in an ad for me?
  40. Maybe I should put one in for him?
  41. Nah, I don’t want him to think I’m a stalker
  42. Oh no, is that a pregnant lady I see?
  43. Someone should really give up their seat
  44. What hope is there for society if a pregnant woman can’t even get a seat on the tube?
  45. Am I really going to be the one to have to give up my seat?? I just got this seat!!
  46. Fine
  47. Ah shit, she’s not pregnant
  48. She looks really offended
  49. Still took my seat though
  50. Can I ask for it back?
  51. At least there’s a free pole to grab onto
  52. I don’t want to fall onto someone’s lap again
  53. Unless it’s Benedict Cumberbatch
  54. That would be fine
  55. Uh oh. Is someone leaning on my hand
  56. This is so awkward
  57. He thinks he’s leaning on the pole… but he’s leaning on my hand
  58. Ouch
  59. Do I say something?
  60. I’ll just wriggle my fingers
  61. Oh Christ. I think I’ve freaked him out
  62. Oh well, don’t go leaning on poles in rush hour
  63. Fool
  64. Thank God, it’s my stop
  65. Er, HELLO, let me off please
  66. Why is it taking so long to get off the platform?
  67. There appears to be a hold up
  68. Maybe it’s a sweet old lady, struggling to work out where she needs to go
  69. Someone should help her out
  70. I bet everyone’s ignoring her
  71. If I see her, I’ll help her
  72. Oh no – wait. It’s just some idiot on his phone
  75. Jeez, getting out is just as traumatic as getting on
  76. I am going to stand on the right of this escalator like a good and respectful commuter
  77. Not like that idiot up there
  78. People who stand on the left are the worst types of people
  79. Definitely potential murderers, someone should keep an eye on them
  80. Okay, queuing for the barriers again
  81. Where the chuff has my Oyster gone?!
  82. I don’t want to lose my place in the queue but I can’t find it!
  83. Agghhh, panic! Panic!
  84. Oh phew, here it is
  85. Hello friendly green light of acceptance
  86. I like you
  87. Now all I have to do is fight my way out onto the street and the blinding sunlight
  88. Thank God I only have to do this twice a day, five days a week…

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